I started this blog when I first found out I was pregnant 4 months ago and now I am 18 weeks along; nearly halfway there! In the time that I have written this, I can see the emotional changes and physical changes that I've gone through. Reading early posts reminds me of how sick I felt and how anxiety ridden I was the first few months. The hormones are nuts during pregnancy, especially during the first trimester, so much is going on with your body very suddenly and your mind is trying to deal with it all.
Lately, I feel a lot more grounded and comfortable, I'm definitely not as stressed about being pregnant and nor am I as sick; in the last few weeks I even was able to start cooking dinner again, something Josh is very happy about. For a while I couldn't even think of anything except for surviving day by day during the, trying not to be anxious, and dealing with headaches (that still plague me, but less often). Then at week 10 things started to subside a little and life was a lot more bearable and each week after that things just started to feel more normal. The strange dreams weren't so scary (just weird) and stopped containing death or dying or the threat of death or dying, the smell of the refrigerator didn't make me want to barf, I was able to eat meat again, my anxiety subsided and I finally feel normal-ish. Its such a relief! I am in the second trimester now, the part of pregnancy that lots of women seem to enjoy and it has been the best part of pregnancy so far. Part of that is because I finally feel better, its so nice to not feel like you have the flu 24/7 for 3 months.
I recently was given a lot of pregnancy clothes from friends and have been wearing the shirts, but my old pants still fit me pretty well so I keep wearing those for now, and lots of skirts that I would wear anyway at this time of year. My body changes everyday and I am trying to get used to how weird that feels to me, Josh keeps saying "its just natural" or "normal" which it is, of course, but its still weird and I am uncomfortable with it. I wish I could feel all glowing and beautiful, but that is just not the case at all! Funny, I still look at other pregnant ladies and think they look beautiful, cute, and glowing, but I can't see that within myself. It bothers Josh a lot because he sees me that way, but I don't like to hear about what I look like.
In the last few weeks I have been able to look at baby items and re-organize our little house to accommodate the newcomer into our lives. It's been more fun for me lately, and I am trying to enjoy pregnancy because I don't want to have any regrets later after the baby is born. Also I need to make sure to get in some hiking time by myself, its going to be a lot harder to hike solo during the week with a baby that I'll be taking care of. And I am hoping to make it to one more peak solo this summer, even if it is a lower altitude summit. Now that I can actually carry enough food to sustain me while hiking, I have no excuses. During the first trimester, I was sooo very nauseous, but starving at the same time and I ate constantly but I was just choking down food. It was a fight between nausea and starvation, a weird combination. The drop in blood sugar is brutal when it happens and isn't safe for mother or baby either, especially not while on a trail far from a car.
I still haven't felt the baby move, which is starting to worry me a little bit, but I keep trying to remember that many first time mom's don't feel movement until 20 weeks or so. However, there is a slew of babies being born this October and this fall and from their mothers posts on facebook, many are feeling baby move already and have been for some time now. We have an ultrasound next week, so it will be good to see baby wriggling around on the screen and hear that everything is going well. Keep us in your thoughts :)
Overall, when I look back at the first trimester and having such a difficult time I felt like I was doing something wrong, like I should be stronger and tougher, I should be able to handle it better. But I did get through it, I am still here, baby is still here, we are safe, and even though every women gets through it, you can still give yourself a pat on the back because it wasn't easy. You can still say to yourself 'good job, you are 1/3 of the way done with growing a baby' and for some the beginning is the most hormonal and emotionally toughest part so I am trying to celebrate that, instead of saying that I should have done it 'better.'