Monday, June 6, 2011

Acceptance? I think so...19 weeks pregnant

It might sound awful to some that I have finally hit the 'acceptance' phase of this pregnancy; the pregnancy that we planned, tried for over a year to get pregnant, and now at 19 weeks I am finally 'accepting' it.  But its true.

I guess its the same way that I had grief/mourning when I got married, accepting that I wasn't able to fly free after getting hitched, but that I always had an attachment, my husband.  And while I wanted to get married, just like I wanted to have a child, it's still a major life change and one that brings up fears and anticipation.    Josh and I have learned to become a pretty good team over the years and its a decision that I would make again in a heartbeat a million times over even though marriage is a lot of work.  Its worth it and we get better and better at it all the time.

Thinking back, some of the changes in life that I have mourned, like graduating college and having to get a 'real' job,  moving to Colorado at age 22, or getting married, all have lead to some of the best experiences of my life.   And I'm expecting motherhood to be the same way; while I will be giving up some things, I'll be gaining so much more.    I also look forward to watching Josh with a child, almost more than myself because I know he will be such an amazing parent and its something he has always wanted.

A few notes on the growing belly:  This does go with the 'acceptance' part, I promise!  In the last 2 weeks my belly has gotten a bit bigger, fortunately I can fit into some of my non-maternity summer clothes but its getting close.  I keep thinking, "thank goodness this belly grows gradually" because its quite an adjustment for me.  What will it be like to be 8 or 9 months pregnant>  I can't even imagine it, but at least it happens little by little for me to get used to.  The belly helps with the acceptance too, looking a little bit pregnant and knowing there is something growing inside there makes you accept it, even though I still haven't felt the little one move yet.   However, it still sorta makes me feel a little weird  but I think thats an issue that I just have about myself being pregnant.   Pregnancy is such a personal/intimate thing, your body is changing and its all so different and new; your breast growing (huge) which makes me a little uncomfortable,  people are very personal with you about pregnancy (which doesn't bother me with friends and people I know, but sometimes its uncomfortable with other people) and I didn't realize how weird it pregnancy makes me feel.  Not sure how to vocalize this yet except with words like; 'weird' and 'uncomfortable', which really aren't getting to the heart of what I am trying to say.  I just keep thinking that pregnancy and birth is a natural thing, many women do it, its not weird its normal, people are interested in pregnancy (again, self included), so just be cool about it because its a beautiful thing.  But its sorta gross in some ways, and I think that's my hang up.  Lots of bodily changes are hard for me.  This is something that I am learning still how to accept, but I feel much better about it than I did early in pregnancy and that acceptance has helped me grow so much since the first trimester.

Did any other mothers out there experience this, please post your comments, I'd love to hear them!


  1. Haven't even read the blog yet, but seeing that little leg do a high kick brought me to tears!

    What a cutie :)

  2. So happy to hear the baby is doing great :) You are like my therapist without the bills. I mean that in the most positive way. Love you!!

  3. Bobbie, thanks for making me feel like I am not the only one, I love your comments!

  4. I think all women go through this acceptance of their changing body. It is normal and you are normal in feeling this way. When you feel baby kicking you, it is amazing but also "weird". You have no control over the movements and they take you by surprise. But that is ok too. Surprises can be fun if you think of them that way. A second pregnancy is a bit easier because you know what to expect. You are nearly half way there. Keep up the positive attitude. I can't wait to meet this wonderful little person. He/She has already won my heart and I can't bear to think of you living so far away so that I won't get to know him/her as well as you did your grandparents.

  5. I am almost 18 weeks along and have also struggled with embracing changes in my body and my identity. I felt the same when I was first married, but letting go of my single self was so worth it. I can only hope that embracing my mom-to-be self will be just as good.

    I have enjoyed reading your musings on your pregnancy experience.

  6. Thanks Cheree! I am so glad its not just me! And I love reading your comments since we are so close together :) I keep hoping that I will love these changes, but I still don't.

    Mom, we will be sure to keep in touch a lot and on Skype. And you can come out and babysit your grandchild anytime.

  7. I had a long talk with my yoga teacher this morning about embracing the pregnant me. She encouraged me to keep up with my exercising and eating healthy and to take everything in stride (hard to do when I feel like a gained 10 pounds over the weekend)!!!