~* written from my perspective; pregnant for the first time, nervous, and hormonal; take these posts with a grain of salt please *~
Written Early April at 10 Weeks:
At about week 10, I started to feel a change. It was almost like I woke up one day and didn’t feel as queasy or anxious. I remember learning in college (I took lots of child birthing classes) that a woman’s hormone levels can just drop instantly and that immediately makes them feel better and I was sure this had happened. I wasn’t sweating as much, my stomach didn’t demand food quite as often and my nausea declined significantly. I could feel a difference within 1 day and it was amazing and I was so grateful.
Once I started to feel better, I started to become a little more excited about pregnancy and having a baby; my anxiety wasn’t so rampant and I could actually focus on things without my imagination taking over. I managed to eat some veggies and even cook dinner once in my 10th week, which was a HUGE step toward normalcy that I couldn’t have imagined a week prior. Maybe those days of laying in bed and having a panic attack for literally the entire waking hours of the day are over; for those of you who have experience a panic attack, imagine feeling one for 12 hours! Or camping out in the bathroom with my head in the toilet, crying, and wishing that I felt normal again. Those were some of the lowest points in my life, and I am so glad something changed because I don't think I am strong enough to continue on like that.
For those mamas out there who are dealing with the same thing in their first trimester, it does end, and does get better. I honestly could not imagine feeling better myself, because I just felt so terrible all the time. But the joy and relief you have when you start to feel better is awesome, it’s like that zest for life you feel after a long illness the day you wake up and feel normal. I am now in week 14, I feel pretty good; and I even look back on those few weeks of misery and think to myself that I handled it, and could maybe even handle it again for another pregnancy. Maybe...or not?
While I was sick, all I could think about was the pregnancy and feeling sick, and I had hoped that when I started to get better, I figured things would get back to 'normal'. I would sew, hike, write, the things I was used to doing. But one thing that I have noticed lately is that all that I think about is this baby, 24/7, even more than when I was sick. Baby is the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning, the last thing I think about before falling asleep at night, even while I am dreaming, or when I am talking to someone or doing anything, all I think about is baby. Its starting to feel a little vain, actually. Can't I think about other things please; like sewing a dress for myself or taking a hike? Is this normal? Will there be one minute in this entire pregnancy where I think about someone or something else? It's causing me to not be as observant about things; I nearly backed into a parked car the other day, I wrote a blog post or two that were hurtful to people (something I'd like to think I would have noticed prior to pregnancy), and even yesterday in the grocery store someone was talking to me and I didn't even realize it until they did one of the 'wave hand in front of face' gestures. This is very unlike me, usually I am pretty observant and I am never the person off in 'la-la' land until recently, I guess. Does this ever go away, or will I be thinking baby, baby, baby for the rest of the pregnancy...or until the kid is 18, or forever?