Monday, April 25, 2011

Day 1, Pregnancy, A world of no? (first trimester)

~* Written from my perspective; pregnant for the first time, nervous, and hormonal; take these posts with a grain of salt please *~
Pregnancy; A  World of No?  Written Feb 24th, 2011
Day 1; the positive test.  I found out that I was pregnant on Tuesday 2/22/11 at about 12:30pm…and from that moment on, it seemed to me that pregnancy is all about what you can’t do, how you can’t sleep, what you can’t eat or drink.  I don’t do well with “NO.”  And all of the pregnancy books cautioned me against doing pretty much anything that is normal for me, and coming to terms with this is going to be a journey for me, here is the start of that:

After taking the positive test, Josh was still at work, it was 12:30 and I didn’t really know what to do.  I took some pictures of the positive tests; thinking I’d want those shots someday, and went out into the kitchen in a daze.  I had just taken the Ahi Tuna out of the freezer for tonight’s dinner prior to the pregnancy test, and then I remembered that pregnant women can’t eat certain kinds of fish.  So, I got online and looked up fish that pregnant women can eat; Ahi tuna was on the “no’ list.   I got really sad, I love Ahi Tuna, why didn’t we eat that for dinner last night, I thought?   Then I reached in and pulled out the bacon wrapped chicken; and again remembered from my girlfriends that pregnant women can only have nitrate free bacon.  Another NO.  I peered into the freezer and took out chicken, again.   Then started to cry; I was in shock!

I tried to think of a fun way to tell Josh the good news, but I was so nervous, I had no idea what to do.  But had to run some errands and figured that I could think of something fun while I was out; and maybe running errands would distract me enough to not freak out.   I had taken a few shots of the positive tests on my phone and somehow when I was trying to text Josh for another reason, I managed to accidently text him the photos of the pregnancy tests on my new KIN that I wasn’t used to yet.  'At least I just accidently sent them to him', not to facebook or something, I thought to myself.   I expected to get a call immediately from Josh, but didn’t hear anything, so I figured the text didn’t go through.  When I got home hours later, Josh jumped on G-chat and said that he got my text; but couldn’t see the photos well, “were they positive”, he asked?  I said, “Would I text you photos of negative pregnancy tests, how many of those have we had”?

He was so happy I could see it through the chat session; he didn’t know what to do at work for the rest of the day and said he was grinning ear to ear.   I wished that I could be that excited, but mostly I was just nervous.   I had convinced myself that we couldn’t get pregnant; and then here it was, pregnancy hitting me in the face, without any warning, it was just there!

When Josh got home, he brought me roses and when I saw him, I started sobbing again.  He couldn’t figure out why, but I could only explain that everything changes for me from this moment on; not for him, he could still open that beer that I was craving, and eat the tuna, but I could not.  I was worried that I couldn’t handle it; that I couldn’t bare the 9 months feeling weird and nervous.

Now, I don’t want you to think that I am not happy or excited to be pregnant; because I am; but I wanted to address one thing that will be my biggest obstacle during pregnancy; my fear and anxiety.  My anxiety is something that is very personal and private for me, but I recently (prior to pregnancy) started talking about it more with friend and family and each time I was able to tell someone, it got a little easier for me to deal with it.  So it’s not easy to make this hugely public online, but maybe it will help someone else, or help me to heal a little more.  My anxiety/panic attacks, whatever you want to call them all center around when I don't feel normal in my body, so for example, being sick causes me to have anxiety,  I was trying to figure out how to manage this fear with a baby inside me, changing my body for 9 months.   I need to manage how to feel sane for the next 9 months without having any control over my body, how I react to smells or food, if I have morning sickness (one of my biggest fears), and not being able to eat very much because I am so nervous.     Hopefully this answer will manifest itself through this journey of pregnancy and self change.

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