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~* Written from my perspective; being pregnant for the first time, nervous, and hormonal; take these posts with a grain of salt please *~
Post written Feb 23rd.
Some people say getting pregnant is easy, in fact, all of my friends say that because it (fortunately) was very easy for them; I was that person who struggled to get pregnant. I want to share this part of our journey because I am sure there are other couples out there feeling the same way.
Josh and I always said we’d have kids when we were 30, Josh kept pushing for 29, but I wasn’t ready then. So, when I turned 30 we tossed out the birth control to see what would happen. Apparently nothing happened. Some months, I was really glad I wasn’t pregnant, especially in the beginning because I couldn’t imagine being responsible for someone else quite yet. But then as the months turned into more and more months, then a year went by and I actually started to feel a little sad when each month, I wasn’t pregnant.
It hit me particularly hard when several friends became pregnant all around the same time and often joked about how easy it was (even though they knew my struggles, and nothing was meant as hurtful), and then my period was late, 5 days late, in fact. But the tests were still negative, and ‘aunt Flo’ came again, on Christmas day. It was then that I decided it just might not happen for us, I started to embrace what that would be like without kids; Josh was real sad, but I needed to have the conversation, especially after getting my hopes up in December only to have them crushed again. Neither of us were real into fertility treatments, drugs, etc.. if it didn’t happen naturally, then it wasn’t going to be in the cards for us.
Josh and I have been married 6.5 years, so we heard all the pressure from our parents, families, friends; ‘when are you going to have kids,’ “don’t you want kids?” It was particularly hard when my mother would say “I’m never having grandchildren” and it all implied that we were doing something wrong. I know these people were just excited for us, but it was upsetting to me with every comment someone made and the gloom about pregnancy took over. One friend, who doesn’t live nearby said to me; “after having a hard time conceiving, I will never ask a woman why she doesn’t have kids, that question has nearly brought me to tears a number of times.” I embraced what she said, because I wasn’t the only one, and Josh and I started to be more vocal about not being able to get pregnant possibly and it helped in the healing for both of us. (if family/friends reads this, it was not meant to hurt anyone, just how we felt)
Now, with all that hoping to get pregnant, you’d think I’d be thrilled when that day actually came and the test was positive and we were going to have a baby! But that’s not exactly how things went. It was February and Josh and I had taken a trip to Florida to visit my grandparents, then to Ft. Lauderdale to visit friends before heading to the Keys. We had a great trip and came back to work and reality. A couple of weeks later, I looked at the pregnancy test in the bathroom while reaching for the bubble bath on the cold day; and realized right then, that I was pregnant. My period wasn't even late, but I just *knew* the test would be positive. I started my bath, took the test, checked it; and right away there were 2 lines noting a positive test. I took another test, then another, and they were all positive. I smiled and was excited for about 10 minutes, then the nerves and crying set in; I am PREGNANT, I am going to be someone’s MAMA, what the hell, I mean what the heck.