Monday, May 2, 2011

(First Trimester) Pregnancy; its really not how you think it'll be. For real.

~ * written from my perspective; pregnant for the first time, nervous, and hormonal; take these posts with a grain of salt please *~
Weeks 7 – 8;  Written March 23rd
I noticed one thing right away when becoming pregnant, it’s not what you think it’s going to be, or what you have read about, it’s entirely different. Really!  Remember this if you have a pregnant friend, or are planning on kiddos in your future so you won’t be as shocked as I was.   I remember telling one friend in week 5 that I felt sick and nauseas already, she promptly responded that I couldn’t feel that way yet, it was too early in my pregnancy and I either had to be farther along, or just making it up in my head.   Not a good thing to say to a pregnant lady!  But I sure did feel sick, from 4-5 weeks to week 10 at least.  Everyone's pregnancy is different, from morning sickness to headaches, fatigue and delivery.  No-one is standard, text-book; and there are variations from the norm, like me, getting sick early on in pregnancy.  I had insomnia even before I knew I was pregnant!

You have heard about nausea, vomiting, exhaustion, sense of smell being powerful; yes.  But none of those things manifest themselves in ways that you can imagine pre-pregnancy.  I didn’t realize that I would be ravenously hungry, so hungry that a bowl of cereal would fill me up for about 30 minutes before my stomach would rumble again, demanding more food.  I didn’t know that I would wake up in the middle of the night and HAVE to eat something, or else I could feel the bile creeping up my throat while lying down.  I kept imagining the Cookie Monster was in my belly ordering up cookies and food immediately.  I expected to be this hungry in the 3rd trimester, not the first; because that’s what you hear about, right?  I don’t remember hearing women being so hungry right away, so early on during pregnancy .  The problem is that you are SO hungry, but nothing sounds good to eat; absolutely nothing.  I could only tolerate comfort foods, and even those were hard to choke down; but the hunger persisted and it was a delicate balance of eating something that my stomach could tolerate, but not let the belly get hungry; cause hunger is bad news and equals further nausea and this maddens Cookie Monster.

I had no idea that opening the fridge would cause me to gag and choke, and I had to cover my nose with my shirt each time as to not smell the awful stench (nothing in the fridge was rotten, fyi)  in search of what I needed to eat before the smell consumed me.    All of this nausea and illness make my anxiety unbearable, and I would cry daily wondering how I could manage feeling this bad for the next 9 months.  It felt like I had the stomach flu every-single-day for WEEKS!  Days blended together; I kept sleeping to avoid being awake and feeling sick and I had a hard time talking about being pregnant with people because my family and friends were so joyous, and I just felt miserable.  I wondered if I would be a good parent because I was so unhappy being pregnant and feeling sick? Fortunately, I have a great therapist for my anxiety and was able to share these feelings with her and with Josh; talking about it helped me ease the worry and learning I wasn’t the only one who felt this way about pregnancy helped too.   Writing this blog is good therapy, and hopefully those reading it can try to understand what I am feeling or at least empathize with it, rather than thinking I am an ungrateful person who should be joyous, happy and glowing mother that I feel like I am supposed to be.

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