Being a parent is hard; being a work from home mother is even harder. I struggle juggling a very part time job (that we need) and a very busy, fussy, strong-willed baby. I usually feel like I am not doing enough with her, while I am trying to get work done, then feed her, take a walk, clean up our messes from play, cooking dinner, etc. And then there is naptime. The time when my blood pressure rises and I seriously wonder why we had children. Naptime. I love it. I hate it. My child doesn't sleep well. Refuses to nap, and pretty much will scream in her crib for hours on end if we'd let her. Yes, we have tried every method, I have read every book; we leave her to cry, we ferberize her, we don't let her cry and continually go into comfort her, I nurse her, change her, snuggle her, nothing works. Right now we are in a rut, where she refuses her morning nap, even though she is tired; and she only takes 1 nap during the day, which lasts exactly 60 minutes. Sixty minutes, that is all I have in my 11 hour day to take a break from hollering and screaming and demanding my time. 60 minutes to clean up, to try to finish work, to rest. Its not enough for me, and its certainly not enough for her. She gets up from this 1 hour nap cranky, and proceeds to get crankier as the afternoon goes on, and this continues right until bedtime. It-is-hard.
While I know that I someday will look back on these days and 'wish' for them again (I don't know why people think that I'll be wishing for this part again, I know that I won't) but that doesn't help me in the now. It doesn't help me cope when she is screaming at me, or hold it together when I am trying so hard to get her to nap, to rest, which she obviously needs. Right now, I am sitting on my porch, not listening to the screams, typing this blog post with tears in my eyes. I really feel like I am not strong enough to do this, I struggle with how we'd pay for a nanny or daycare. I struggle knowing if staying in Colorado, away from family and help, is the right thing to do or not. I just don't know anymore.
But writing this gives me strength to go back inside and to try my best to be a great mom, even though I know she isn't asleep, I watch her on our camera standing in her crib, hollering, fighting sleep. I know I will go back in and get her up, we'll read, eat, play, and I'll do this nap thing again in 5 hours, I know that she will again fight the nap and I'll have to hold it together to do it again tomorrow, and every day until she goes to school. Sometimes it seems endless.
Please, moms, leave a comment; tell me how you cope with this? Please, don't tell me that I will wish for this time again someday, or 'thats how babies are', because all I want is support. I just want this non-napping phase to end. Maybe this is just how it is?